Embarrassing commando stories

Added: Srah Rolston - Date: 09.04.2022 13:24 - Views: 17724 - Clicks: 9667

One evening near my fifteenth birthday, I was summoned to stand before the Kitchen Tribunal. My mother was there; recently widowed, understandably shell-shocked, and exhausted by the demands of a fragile household and three needy teenagers. Also in attendance were my two older brothers, their adolescent snickering temporarily pushed aside by Embarrassing commando stories weight and severity of the matter at hand, which was this: A few days earlier, an acquaintance of theirs several years older, a bit snarky, and appropriately enough, named Dick had driven past me as I crossed the Market Street Bridge, then reported to my big brothers that their little sister walked like she wanted it.

The family was solemn and disapproving; the kitchen smelled of fried egg sandwiches and scandal. Well, I was affronted! I was mortified! I was. So after clearing my good name with Mom and the brothers, I retreated to ponder this new development. I turned it over in my mind: She walked like she wanted it.

To be honest, IT was a little scary. Besides, exactly how did I walk like I wanted it? Therefore, I turned to my cultural icons for clues. Mary Ann-ish. But in the privacy of my room, I had to admit I kind of liked knowing something about the way I walked caused Dick to take notice.

Her long legs moved with quick, purposeful strides.

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Mom also instructed me on how to walk like a lady. How ironic that the very walk my mom worked to cultivate in me would one day attract the attention of boys like Dick. Now 79, Mom still out distances me step by step. Great Aunt Lois was smart and generous, a veteran school teacher with a no-nonsense attitude, a woman esteemed by the family at large during my formative years.

The Grand Dame was short, stout, and plagued by arthritis. She waddled stiff-legged from here to there with knees and hips Embarrassing commando stories moved like rusty gears. I imagined her carrying an oil can in that oversized handbag on her arm. And whoever was caught climbing a flight of stairs behind Great Aunt Lois had better not be in a hurry; coaxing those creaky ts to rotate in such a manner was a process that simply could not be rushed. Nowadays, I walk like I want some ibuprofin and a nice, long, soak.

At this time of year, I think a lot about boy parts and girl parts—which is not as much fun as it sounds. I call it The Perfect Storm. I Embarrassing commando stories that only the physical is an experience shared by both genders; the other two procedures are all about the girls. So why are boy parts on my mind? Having only first-hand experience at being a girl, I am limited to making observations.

But it is my observation that from the time a boy learns how to pee standing up, his remaining years are one long quest to discover what else it can do. While the female body seems determined to develop suspicious lumps, secretions, and glitches, the male body romps through life carefree and giddy with its own impressive repertoire of party tricks. Yes, guys, I know you have that whole prostate thing lurking in the shadows. The mammography room of our local hospital is deed to make a woman feel comfortable and comforted. The decor is muted tones, all peachy and rosy.

The attending technician will smile pleasantly and speak softly as she Embarrassing commando stories a series of personal quesions: Are you, or could you be, pregnant? Do you have breast implants? Have you been performing monthly self exams? She will calmly explain every single step of the procedure, apologize for the coldness of her hands as she arranges me in unnatural positions against hard glass plates. The testography lab is sparse and set up for both a quick entrance and a quick exit.

Instead of artwork, there is a single on the wall announcing that happens in the testography lab stays in the testography lab. Eye contact is avoided, as is physical contact of any kind. No need to apologize for cold hands here—the patient will position his own misters between the plates of glass, thank you very much.

And when the procedure ends, he can soothe himself in an anteroom where hot wings are served and gigantic tv monitors alternate Great Moments in Sports and classic Three Stooges reels. Or perhaps the thought of spending my summer being poked, flattened, and scraped within an inch of my life has me just a bit touchy. And that might be an even trade for not being able to do that cool standing up to pee thing. The other day I was zipping along I when I realized my gum had lost all its flavor, and I was essentially chewing a piece of rubbery nothingness.

When I meet my Maker, I just know the movie of my life will conclude with a blooper reel featuring my greatest spit fails. The Good Lord has a wicked sense of humor. When my turn came, I tossed the ball into the air and took a swing. I missed the ball completely, lost my grip on the racket—which went clattering across the pavement—then stood looking helpless while the ball came down and hit me on the head. Coach Gunderman fell to the ground in a pants-wetting fit of laughter, and then passed me out of sheer pity.

Ironically, I can play badminton. Tongue Fail You know that thing some people can do where they roll their tongue into a little tube?

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My son can do that, and he can also twist his tongue into a cool clover shape. Am I doing it? Video Game Fail Embarrassing commando stories of ways my failures bring joy to the whole family, you should witness my attempts to play video games. ZeldaGuitar HeroWii. I used to dance, back in high school, before dancing became foreplay committed by grinding suggestively against a partner of either gender. To the collective relief of humankind, I refuse to participate in this kind of modern dance. The only exceptions to my inability to learn choreographed dances are the hokie pokiethe chicken danceand the polkawhich all Pennsylvanians instinctively know from birth so as to enjoy a lifetime of fire hall wedding receptions.

Believe me when I tell you there are many, manyother things I cannot do. But my fragile self-esteem can only take so much ridicule, you know? It might have been the watermelon margaritas talking.

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It might have been the fact that my son was celebrating his 21st birthday without me. Of the four, I was the only person who had actually given birth. Two of my companions—a man and a woman—had at least witnessed babies coming into the world, and the third—another woman—made little effort to conceal her distaste for the whole process. Over our drinks, we all agreed that the miracle of childbirth is one disgusting miracle.

Lately my blog has become the go-to website for people who want their bubbles burst, their rainbows drained of color, and their warm fuzzies strung up by their warm fuzzies. This I know. Just a few weeks ago I reduced the charm of my year, happy marriage to nothing but good luck, good timing, and good science click to read.

So why not shovel around my observations on having babies? Anyway, when I imagined childbirth, I imagined it being rather like this. At least I liked to think this Embarrassing commando stories what it would be like if men gave birth. No amount of knees in the nuts will ever top the experience of shooting an entire human being out your boy howdy. But I digress. And very rarely does the newborn actually bare its teeth and go skittering off the delivery table. But other than that.

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My wallet still holds the card proving my successful completion of childbirth classes just in case someone attempts to repossess my. Nothing prepares you for the second when some yahoo holds a mirror between your legs so you can see a crowning head the size of a bowling ball Aw, HELL, no! Not only did I have the baby girl in the picture above, but three years later Embarrassing commando stories went back for seconds and ended up with a baby boy. Birds are my friends. For awhile I lived in a second-floor apartment that overlooked a flat roof.

Tar Beachas it was called, was just perfect for star-gazing, grilling, and cold beers at sunset. When the front window was opened, the three kitties could spent hours outside sunbathing and watching the world go by from above. My Russian Blue Yoda was the devil in a grey fur coat. One day, she climbed back into the apartment through the front window carrying a little brown bird in her mouth. Yoda was justifiably pleased with herself, but the little brown bird was in a panic. A recue was in order. But once I did and the offended cat went off to sulk, I held the bird in my palms and assessed the situation.

It was obviously young, but with no apparent blood or wounds. Relieved, I cradled the little bird in one hand and crawled out through the window onto Tar Beach. But what to do now? Embarrassing commando stories trees grew near enough to place the bird safely on a branch, and if it were simply left there on the flat roof Yoda would snag it again as soon as my back was turned.

But wait! Birds can fly! To the very edge of the flat roof I carried the little brown bird, where I gave it a gentle toss toward freedom. Poor little bird fell like a rock, and its last Earthly sight before the pearly gates of Bird Heaven opened was my clueless, yet horrified face. May it rest in peace. Several years later, my husband and I were driving home from work when we spied a robin quivering near the center line in the road up ahead. My dear husband knows what a force of nature his wife can be, so when I requested that he pull off the road next to the bird, he sighed deeply and did it.

My proposal was that he get out of the car and shoo the poor robin off the road before it was hit by a car and killed. With an even deeper sigh, the sweet man put the car in park, turned on the flashers, and went to do my bidding. And that, of course, was a really, really stupid idea. When he got within two steps of it, the robin suddenly realized my husband was there, and in a flurry of wings it took off—right into the path of an oncoming pickup truck.

And although I know that birds are incapable of higher communication skills and feelings such as spite, it seems more than a coincidence how every single morning my car is covered with white splotches of bird crap even though I park nowhere near a tree. The decade of disco. Life before AIDS. There were no wonderbras, and there were no thongs. The bra situation was kind of a wash though, since confident, liberated, young women felt free to jiggle away their days in bra-less glory.

But it was an unforgiveable fashion faux pas to allow the outline of your panties to be seen through your clothing. Yes, I know it made absolutely no sense for girls to worry more about their panty lines showing than their nipples showing. Neverthless, the VPL crisis was so critical that an entire line of undergarments, Underallswas created just to preserve the image of a perfectly seamless behind. Or if you were me back in high school, you might have chosen occasionally to Embarrassing commando stories the whole VPL threat simply by going commando.

And while letting nothing come between me and my favorite jeans never presented a problem, on the day I chose instead to wear my black suede pants it was a really, really stupid idea. Back in the day—before I blossomed into a Rubenesque mother-of-two—I had one of those cute, little rear ends that looked good in pants. It was still early in the school day when I noticed the chair at my desk feeling especially. At some point in the morning, I had snagged the back of my pants just enough to rip open a two-inch section of seam, and my ass was, well—bare.

My blood ran cold. With a computer-like mind, I assessed the gravity of the situation. As long as I sat there on my chair, no one would know anything was wrong. My eyes darted around the room frantically. Diana was wearing a long, wraparound sweater. That would do perfectly! Hastily, I scribbled her a note:. Hi, Diana.

Embarrassing commando stories

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